March 3, 2012

Prosecutable Offenses

Leaving fewer than the household-agreed-upon minimum number of ice cubes in the tray. (Our household minimum is four.)

Leaving the toilet paper roll empty, or with less yardage remaining than the household-agreed-upon amount.

Throwing away a roll that still has a half-length on it.

Leaving dishes "to soak" (the quotes here signify "and never coming back to wash them after they've soaked").

Leaving dirty clothes on floor, in presence of laundry basket.

Leaving towels on floor, in presence of towel bar/hook.

Late enough to activate the "Dead by side of road / injured in hospital / we should have more life insurance" sequence.

Leaving removed hairs on display.

Leaving toenail/fingernail clippings on display.

Leaving dishes symbolically on counter.

Being too quiet, in a way that makes the other person tense and nervous.

Not knowing the name of that actress I'm thinking of. You know, the one we liked! In that thing!

Exaggerating illness.

Washcloth falls on shower floor; takes other person's washcloth instead; does not remedy situation after shower is finished. (See also: towel too wet, forgot to get a towel, etc.)

Going to bed early without saying anything about it beforehand.

Using up the last of something without putting it on the list.

Loading dishwasher the stupid way.

Forgetting to use in-sink disposal before starting dishwasher.

Fingers still on keyboard while "listening."

Leaving drops of pee on the toilet seat.

Claiming nothing is wrong when something clearly is.

Tracking in slush.

Allowing last sliver of soap to fall to shower floor; leaving it there to turn to mush and/or for the other person to handle.

Eating the last of the leftover pizza without mentioning it.


Beth (A Mom's Life) said... sounds as is someone has had more than she can take!

Lisa @ Trapped In North Jersey said...

Yes yes yes to loading the dishwasher the stupid way. See also, snoring.

d e v a n said...

Not putting a new trash bag in the can after emptying it!

Lora said...

Putting the empty milk jug on the floor next to the full trash can.

Claiming to have never liked a certain food, when the other person clearly remembers it being eaten with gusto and delight.

Becky said...

Oh, the ice cube tray thing KILLS me. My family will leave one tray in the freezer with 3-4 cubes in it, and grab a new full tray instead.

My oldest (almost 22! Adult!) stepdaughter is visiting this weekend, and last night I went to get ice for myself, and the top tray was COMPLETELY EMPTY.

My way of dealing with it is to empty every tray, and leave the cubes in the sink & empties on the counter. It hasn't effected any change in anyone's behavior, but it feels good to do.

Di said...

Leaving the new roll of toilet paper perched precariously on top of the empty old roll. Even when this action often results in the new roll toppling into the toilet.

HereWeGoAJen said...

It's always MY pizza too. We order two different toppings, he eats all his, I save some of mine and the next day, he eats MINE.

kristi said...

Yep, tracking in mud and leaving 1.3 sheets on the toilet paper roll drive me nuts! And my teenager always always always leaves 1 dirty sock on the bathroom floor. WTH?

Suburban Correspondent said...

I feel irritated just READING this list. It is amazing that any of us manage to live with anyone else without being driven to violence.

Heather said...


Lauren said...

Taking out the trash and not replacing the bag but putting the can back under the sink as if it's ready to receive goopy trash so that when the cook tries to rid herself of raw meat scraps or other toxic substances she has to find a place to put them down, wash her hands carefully, put a new bag in, transfer the trash to the can, wash her hands again, and start looking for the arsenic.

Sarah said...

Sitting empty cartons of milk or juice on the counter instead of dealing with them properly.

Saying, "Oh hon, just go to bed- I'll do those dishes!" And then forgetting to do them, at least fifty percent of the time.

Giving all sorts of vague hints about an exciting Valentine's Day and then, the night before, saying suddenly, "Wait... is Valentine's Day TOMORROW?" in a panic stricken manner which clearly indicates that all romantic plans have so far not materialized beyond grand ideas.

Still not liking the name Felicity, even though this is very likely my last chance to use it. Unforgivable!

minnie said...

getting mad that someone has cleaned/organized even tho no one can find anything and said person will never actually do it himself.

too obviously invoking 'if you cant say anything nice, don't say anything at all' after I have gotten a haircut.


Misguided mommy said...

Omg omg omg Ron doesn't understand why I like to know when he goes to bed. He just goes and I sit down there waiting. And since he doesn't see a problem HE KEEPS DOING IT. And don't even get me started on dishwasher we both think the other does it the stupid way

Nicole said...

"Leaving dishes to soak" - that is grounds for mur-diddly-urder.

Shannon said...

Leaving the sponge sopping wet in the bottom of the sink and the sprayer nozzle pulled out partially and submerged in a "soaking" pot or bowl that likely contains raw egg. Not even remotely attempting to fill dishwasher. Even on weekends.

"Norkst Eiverch" is my sign in phrase. As in "I am mad at you because you norkst eiverch clean up after yourself in the kitchen."

Anonymous said...


Slim said...

Unloading the dishwasher but then not loading it with the dishes that accumulated while you were taking your sweet time to unload it.

Limiting "cleaning up after dinner" to loading the dishwasher and creating a little Island of Misfit Dishes that you claimed you weren't sure what to do with, meaning "I know they have to be washed by hand but I didn't feel like it, nor do I ever."

Slauditory said...

When I lived with other people, ALL of those things would send me into a rage...especially the misplaced pee thing! I'm with you.

Unknown said...

Don't you think you should be grateful that you HAVE a husband? Some women would give anything to have a husband leaving his washcloth on the floor, and loading the dishwasher "wrong" according to your arbitrary standards.

*Ducks, runs away giggling*

Lauren @ Hobo Mama said...

Oh, my gosh, I had no idea you were living in my house, too!

Swistle said...

You guys are coming up with some really good ones! The snoring, YES. Or I should have added "Sleeps through a child needing assistance in the night" and "In the morning after a really bad night, comments that it was a great night."

Unknown- INORIGHT? And I should be grateful he's not leaving those towels on a HOOKER'S bathroom floor!!

Tommie said...

Leaving a load of laundry in the washer until it stinks so much that it has to be washed again, in hopes of getting rid of the stink. This was 20 year old step-daughter's habit. I think she did this because she thought I'd just toss them in the dryer when I need to use the washer. Ha!!

My passive-aggressive response? Take her damp, stinky clothes out of the washer, put them in a basket while I used the washer and when I was done washing AND drying my laundry, I'd put her clothes back in the washer. Yes, I'm the evil step-mother.

karen l said...

AND - "I can't find the *insert word here*" ----- waiting for me to get away from whatever I'm doing and point out the item that would require the male to bend at the waist and look in the pantry or fridge, etc.

Lara said...

Swistle, these are most excellent and may I add:

Leaving the tub/shower diverter thingy in the UP position so the next person who turn on the tap gets slammed in the head with COLD shower water which isn't always ONLY about unexpected hair wetness but also about the unpleasant first thing in the morning SHOCK of said cold water to the head/face.

Jenny said...

Using male upper-body strength to push trash down, down, down in trash can, compacting it and making it difficult to remove the bag from the can, instead of using that strength to take the trash out of the house.

chrissy said...

Complaining that he can't find something of his because I cleaned it up. (I tell him I would love to have the 'problem' of someone else cleaning up after me. What must that be like?)

Mouse said...

I didn't know you were supposed to run the in-sink disposer before the dishwasher. How have I survived all these years w/o knowing that? But now that I'm thinking about it, how has it never occured to me that the food bits will regurgiate back into the dishwasher if you run it while the dishwasher is running!?!? DUH! Thanks, Swistle.

CARRIE said...

I love this!! With all my heart.

I totally second the "sleeping through multiple child-related awakenings" but I'd like to add every.single.solitary.night.for.the.past.8.years.and.3.children.

I also think "forgetting to make coffee for the person who DOES get up multiple times a night with children and is up at 6:00 am every day when someone who forgot to make coffee sleeps in every weekend."

Finally, I think a lot of the time "simply breathing" should be on this list.

Shalini said...


Sam said...

I just emailed this post to my husband. I'll make sure he reads the comments, because I see you forgot the "simply breathing" offense mentioned above.

Anonymous said...

Giving no consideration to my illness. ever. Not a bowl of soup delivered. Not an extra chore taken on.

Really? You cannot get the children dressed and fed on the weekend? I HAVE MONO.

Makes me want to reconsider getting old with you.

Mom O'Nucleosis (sorry to be anon)

Sheila said...

Yes yes yes on the "leaving dishes to soak." Especially when they weren't really all that dirty and could have been used again before being washed (you know, like my favorite knife) but there's just ONE thing in there that's covered with grease and slime and contaminates everything else in the sink.

"Picking up" but thinking that just moving things out of sight counts ... so I spend the next week pulling books out of the toy box and hunting for my shoes.

Sleeping soundly through three very loud wakeups, and then an hour later than I sleep, and then wandering out at eight a.m., yawning and moaning "oh, I'm SO tired."

Whining for a week about having a cold and then having zero sympathy when I get the same cold the next week.

Getting on my case because I "never clear the table," and yet clearing your dishes off your desk and ONTO the table, and thinking that counts as somehow helping with the dishes.

To quote a friend of mine: "Men. Can't live with them, can't tie them up and throw them in the river."

Sam said...

My husband keeps laughing and saying "Loading the dishes the STUPID way!" He really liked this post.

K said...

Don't get me started, I may have married the messiest pig on earth. I like things very scrubbed, stream lined, and sparkly. He has never heard of this and looks at me like I'am nuts?

Today for instance I took every single food item out and checked all dates, scrubbed out the cabinets and put back NICE and NEAT. The whole time all I could think was omg I live with an effin pig, Yes. Truth.

Slim said...

Um, K? I don't do that. Maybe you are nuts.

But I kinda wish someone would do that at our house. I could pay you in lost bags of rock-hard marshmallows.

Therese said...

Oh, this entire list is wonderful! I would like to add the following:
Volunteering to get up with the screaming child in the night but then leaving both bedroom doors open so that the "non getter-upper" hears the screaming and commotion and is fully awakened anyway!

Anonymous said...


-goes to bed with out a word and leaves me wondering what the hell happened to him
-takes my towel and leaves me nothing when I get out of the shower
-is the LOUDEST person in the morning so there is no way anyone else could possibly still be asleep by the time he leaves for work. I could go on and on and on!

bunnyslippers said...

Oooohh!!! I have some too!

Placing a package/box/container back into the fridge/freezer/cupboard when it contains approximately one tablespoon of the original volume left.

Going into my bathroom to stealthily take my last roll of toilet paper because the trip downstairs to get a brand new package is too much work.

Maggie said...

"Helping" me when I'm doing something by commenting critically on my methods. Growing up in my house this resulted in the criticizer being told to do it him or herself from now on. Time to start instituting that rule in my house as well.

Criticizing something nice done for one by someone else leads only to someone not doing nice things anymore.

Leaving the wet sponge in the sink. Also unloading the dishwasher by putting all of the glasses on the counter not away. Why??? ARGH!

Anonymous said...

Milk/Juice containers put back in the fridge EMPTY or with a DROP left.

Always leaving the shower curtain OPEN used to drive me nuts...until I divorced the man...

What is this one: Forgetting to use in-sink disposal before starting dishwasher?

Swistle said...

Anonymous- It might be different for different set-ups---but our dishwasher runs water past the in-sink disposal. So if the in-sink disposal is full of stuff, water from the dishwasher backs up into the sink, making a soup of all the gross stuff; then when the water drains, flecks and chunks of gross stuff are stuck to the inside of the sink.

Carmen said...

I want to just be able to say "Word" and leave it at that, but I need to add my agreement to a few others, namely "sleeps through baby crying at night" and "cleans up by just hiding things in toy boxes, etc."

I would also add: Leaving open every cupboard/drawer that you look in. Would it kill you to close a cupboard?

Buster said...

Sleeping soundly thru midnight wakings, then waking me up to ask where *I* put your wallet. Like I'm getting up at 3 in the morning to mess with your stuff.

CarrieGirl1179 said...

Oh I love this post! Every single word!
I'll also add drinking the last of the tea and putting the empty pitcher back in the fridge. It drives me crazy! Oh and coming in the kitchen while I'm cooking dinner and eating chips and snack cakes and stuff like that because God forbid he waits a whole five minutes for the meal to be done!

Joanne said...

Making the children's lunch to 'help' but never, ever clearing the dishes. Asking me what I think our (autistic, non verbal) son wants to eat, STOMPING around the house at all hours, stepping over toys on the floor, not starting to clean until I do, losing patience with the kids FIVE minutes after arriving home.

Helen said...

AMEN to the one about leaving dishes in the sink to "soak"! And can I add - noting a full bag of groceries in the hall, and extracting one snack item to take to the kitchen, while leaving the rest for the unpacking fairy? And removing a wet nappy then leaving it right next to the nappy pail?

Subknit said...

To add:
Leaves baby to cry, thinking that someone else will "handle it" (when that someone else has already clearly stated that she is pumping and can't get up from where the pump is to tend said baby...)