November 20, 2009

Letters From Yesterday's Shopping Trip

Dear Swoopy Lane-Changer,

Oh hi! It's me again! Are you noticing how even though I am staying in my lane in my boring old minivan and you are impatiently zig-zooming and nearly causing accidents and making everyone feel tense with your unconcealed impatience and your racy little car, we're still seeing each other at every single traffic light? I'M sure noticing it.

Love,
Swistle



Dear Pedestrians,

Would you mind taking some responsibility for your own personal safety? I am very good at stopping for you when you are in crosswalks. I am very good at driving slowly and staying well away from you when you are walking in parking lots. Lucky for YOU, I am also good at stopping for you and staying away from you when you are crossing 20 feet down the road from a crosswalk, or walking slowly up the center of the parking lot aisle while talking on the phone, or crossing with a stroller without even glancing up to make sure I see you---but I fantasize about stopping the car and giving you a firm lecture about physics including a little visual with a toy car and a grape.

For God's Sake,
Swistle



Dear Elderly Gentleman,

Oh, sorry, am I caring for the next generation in the same store where you wanted to shop all by yourself? I'm super sorry that the species not only has to continue after YOU were born but ALSO needs to shop for toilet paper on a weekday morning!

Staying off your lawn,
Swistle



Dear Children,

You want to keep whining? Fine, we are canceling Christmas.

Love,
Mommy



Dear Single Man,

Look around you at this food court. There are tables for 2, 4, or 6 people. You are sitting by yourself at a table for 6, even though there are tons of tables for 2 or for 4 and only four tables for 6, three of which are occupied by families with several children. Use your head, Fred.

Four of us joining you in five minutes if you haven't left,
Swistle



Dear Food Court Janitorial Staff,

I appreciate your work, and I understand that the food court is a neverending stream of mess-making customers and that you need to keep working the whole time to make things run smoothly. Still, I want you to stop sweeping at our feet while we're eating. It's icky, and it brings conversation to an awkward halt, and it makes me feel like you're making a rude point.

Love,
Swistle



Dear Lady With the Cart,

Listen, I totally understand the accidental series of events that ends up with your cart in the middle of the aisle and you looking at something over at the other end of the aisle. I've done that myself a time or two, when someone was in the way and I just needed to grab something and then I got distracted by a decision, and then there was I and there was my cart. But hi! I have been standing here really obviously with a passel of LOUD children: you can't possibly have failed to notice us, but you're just standing there considering the pretzels. Let me give the script: YOU say, "Oh, ha ha ha, sorry about that, I was off in my own little world!" and I say, "Oh, ha ha ha, don't worry about it, I do it all the time!" Then you MOVE YOUR CART OUT OF THE MIDDLE OF THE AISLE.

Love and also MOVE IT SISTER,
Swistle



Dear 89 Dollars,

Goodbye, sweethearts. I hope you have a good life in your new home.

Love, Mother

47 comments:

Clarabella said...

Purely and completely awesome. Also, with way less swearing than my letters would have, so kudos.

Hobo Mama said...

I was thinking the same thing about the swearing! I so want you to write letters to all my everyday nemeses as well.

Nowheymama said...

I say the 'off in my own little world' phrase all the time. Glad to know I'm on script!

beyond said...

brilliant, just brilliant.

Fran said...

Regarding the pedestrians: true story! When I was a kid we lived in a dense housing area for Navy families. Every house was a duplex and they were close enough to touch each other through the windows. The streets were always packed with kids outside playing and since this was back in the early 80s, we weren't overly supervised. My parents had a 1 ton, 4 door Chevy Dually pickup truck that took up the whole road since there were cars lining both sides of the street. When my mom was driving, if any kids ran out into the street or merely wandered too close she would jam on the brakes, throw it in park, jump out and yell, "Do you want to DIE?? Do you see how many wheels I have on this truck? Don't you know they could crush you? Where do you live? I am going to talk to your mother right now!!" Of course as soon as they saw this crazy woman they ran off...laughing...and she would mutter under her breath the rest of the evening and lecture us on never running into the street. Oh, how I wish she would have just blogged a letter!

Laura said...

I love how the lane changers never seem to have working turn signal indicators either. I found myself having to maneuver around two of my favorites, the grocery gabbers. You know, friends who run into each other at the store and spend the next 20 minutes blocking the bread aisle while the catch up even though they're probably next door neighbors?

Mairzy said...

The toy car and the grape and the Elderly Gentleman who wants to shop all by himself made me laugh a lot. I love your "letters."

Love, Mairzy.

Tenille said...

OMG, I shop with these VERY SAME PEOPLE. Eerie.

Rah said...

This post is an absolute treasure. The closing statements alone are priceless. Well said, and hilarious!

Kristin H said...

HAhahahahaa. Too funny. Last night at the store I was so irritated with a lady hogging up the aisle that I started teaching my 5-year-old the script.

Christy said...

Some random guy in the parking lot at work caught me calling the F-150 driver in the front row spot an asshat this morning. Seriously - who can't pull into a front row spot without being 2 feet onto the painted stripes and also having the last 4 feet of truck not even in the spot, but hanging out in the aisle? I should have written a letter (and left it on his windshield).

d e v a n said...

SO TRUE! The cart lady drives me crazy. It's even more annoying when they finally move but act like it's a big deal and YOUR fault that their cart was taking up the whole aisle.

Tracy H. said...

OMG I want to take these letters with me when I start X-mas shopping this weekend!

jiveturkey said...

"...a toy car and a grape." HEE!

nonsoccermom said...

hahahahahahahaha. I'm laughing too hard to even come up with a decent comment. Love it.

desperate housewife said...

Oh I HATE when people clean underneath me! I mean, I GET the clean freak thing, believe me. I get it. But yeah... Can you wait for me to vacate the table before you start spritzing down and wiping the other end of it?!

Jen said...

I actually moved someones cart the other day. The second I pushed her cart a millimeter out of the way, she snapped out of her oblivion and was all "oh, oh, sorry, sorry," and then I was all "oh not a problem!" *smiled big*

That probably wasn't very nice, was it? But wow, I felt better.

thellfamily said...

I heart you.

Just Jiff said...

AMEN!

Carmen said...

I love you.

Also, a toy car and a grape? Awesome.

Chrissy said...

Ooooh, the lane changers aggravate me so. Thanks for putting the lives of my family members in danger so you can reach the red light .5 seconds before I do! Totally worth it.

Leah Rubin said...

Amen to ALL of that, and then some! Bravo!

Miss Grace said...

The psycho lane changers are my ESPECIALLY FAVORITE.

Jess said...

The one about the sweeping reminds me of that thing they do at fancy restaurants with their little scraper, where they brush all the crumbs off your tablecloth. I understand that they're just trying to make sure you don't have to sit there staring at the detritus of your meal, but to me it's just weird, and awkward, and painfully points out who is or is not a messy eater. It seems very out of place amid all the fanciness.

Anonymous said...

I love you! Wonderful post! ;)

An October Wife said...

Yes, yes. Yes. Yes, yes, yes. And yes. All of these things.

Jewels said...

Oh man, the dude sitting obliviously by himself at a table for six while you try and herd your children together? Gah.

Kim said...

My favorite parking lot pedestrians are the surly teenagers who ARE FULLY AWARE my car is behind them, yet choose to ignore me, continuing to leisurely stroll along. I fear someday this is what will finally make me snap.

Claire said...

this is my life. Surely, you and I are in the same town.
My rant yesterday was all about the crazy YMCA where I live where people circle the lot jockeying for position to get the spot closest to the door, when they are there to WORK OUT! I mean, if it's just you and an ipod, can't you walk a little bit to your treadmill? You know, so those of us with A MILLION children trying to get to basketball clinic can just get in the door without getting squashed in the parking lot by a wreckless parking spot hunter. Mother of Pearl- it drives me nuts! Thanks for these letters!

Rima said...

Swistle, you slay me!

Stacia said...

The guy at the table reminds me of a guy at the credit union yesterday. His wife had a bad leg, needed a cane, but he still ran into the credit union ahead of her so he coudl get the only chair left and then gave her a dirty look for wanting a chair. Then he screamed at his kids (who were behaving very nicely) and made his wife hold the door open for him while he barged past her, practically knocking her and another family over. That family had a pram that he nudged out of his way. If he hadn't made it into his truck before I got there, I would have told him off. I regret not being able to.

CARRIE said...

I think I just peed myself laughing. I shall copy these and pass out to doofuses as needed. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad I found your blog not too long ago. You are too funny! My favorite was the letter to your beloved 89 dollars, I'm so glad you signed it "Mother".

Stimey said...

Sounds like a super fun trip. And also remarkably similar to every trip I take to the store.

Next time, please do take the toy car and grape. I'd love to hear about that one.

Shelly said...

LOVE these! True story: I saw an accident in which a girl who was crossing the street not in the crosswalk got hit by a car. She was okay, but she totally cartwheeled up in the air and crashed down on the curb. Totally scary.

aibee said...

I sometimes okay ALWAYS wish there really WERE points collected for every dumbass pedestrian taken out because I'd SO WIN this game.

Kelly said...

OMG that was so cute and I cracked up!! you're the best Swistle!!! LOL!!!!

Lucy said...

This post is priceless. My favorite Swistle post to date! Love it!

Christina said...

LOVE. THIS.

I actually compose mini letters/blog posts like this in my head all day long. I'm glad you actually posted yours, b/c I never post mine b/c I figure they won't be entertaining but THEY ARE! :)

Laura said...

I also adore how certain people seem to drive with their hands permanently attached to their horns, and honk at you if you're two seconds too slow for their taste at the light, or the person in front of you has decided that anything over twenty miles an hour is a bad idea.

And I am sooo tempted to yell at the window at those same pedestrians, Swistle. I mean, it seems like they're begging to be taken out of the gene pool. And I have a letter, too.

*clears throat*

Dear lady dressed like a three cent hooker that I saw at Wal-Mart,

You don't look good. I'm serious. If I had a camera and knew your name, I'd turn you into What Not To Wear. Whyever you thought that dirty gold lame spike heels with brass rivets on them, jeans so tight that they showed every roll of fat, a jean bolero jacket, and a painted-on leopard print spandex shirt were a good idea, I'll never know. And they don't make you look younger. Neither did all the fake frizzy hair you were wearing, either. And no, I'm not the fashion police, but I would rather not be subjected to such visual pollution. I really don't need to see someone who looks like they're out advertising in an attempt to convince someone to pay them for sex.

Bless your little bean heart,
Laura

Secret Mom Thoughts said...

Love this post. Especially canceling Christmas.

Party of 5 said...

Oh, I love your wit. You need to make business cards with you blog address on it and hand it to people and then go home and write about them. It would help to bring about world peace much faster.

MaggieO said...

You totally revived my day!

lucidkim said...

The old people drive me insane - while kids seem to annoy them the most, anyone under 80 seems to feel their disdain. And for some reason with their geezerly eyes they stand and read ingredients (written so small *I* can't read them...what are they doing? pretending?) or pondering the intricacies of tuna brands...

Pick the one with the cartoon tuna guy: Charlie! Move on! Or at least pause your perusal so some of us can grab what we need quickly and move on. Waiting for your ass annoys me at least as much you putting up with me does yours.

And the food court cleaners - yes, they spray that damned spray and I can't breathe - and I feel it coating my MSG-infused Chinese pork meal - not really the zing I'm looking for...

I often fantasize that the swoopy lane changers will get pulled over any minute with some big ass ticket. I've never seen it happen, but a girl can dream.

Kim said...

Ah, the holiday season begins. It's only going to get worse you know!

Kate @ Life As I Live It said...

This, Queen Thistle, is why I have pledged my undying readership to you. {bows down...low}

Anonymous said...

Ooh, I have one.

Dear Older Gentleman Shopping Alone Yet Using One of the Few Stroller Carts Available at Kohls,

Please do not make disparaging comments about how the one stroller cart I was able to find has an incredibly loud squeaky wheel and that I am being very loud. Perhaps you should not have appropriated a STROLLER cart when you have NO NEED FOR THE STROLLER SEAT.

Thanks,
Mother of Two