February 26, 2008

About Last Night

I am feeling a little shy this morning after spending the night dreaming about David Boreanaz. I mean, not only did I cheat on my boyfriend John C. McGinley, but I know David Boreanaz is YOUR boyfriend. I'm really sorry. Nothing really "happened," if that helps. And whatever DID happen, he seemed distracted so I'll bet he was thinking of you.


Yesterday was a busy day, and I was glad that I at least got one load of laundry through the washer and dryer. I put the basket on our bed to fold later, and forgot all about it.

Fast-forward to bedtime. I'm tossing my dirty clothes into the laundry, and Paul says, "Oh, wait. That's clean laundry in that basket. I put it there to keep it safe." He and the kids were playing on the bed earlier, and he remembered how much I hate it when clean laundry gets strewn around the room. So he put the basket WHERE WE KEEP DIRTY LAUNDRY IN LAUNDRY BASKETS. And so of course for the rest of the day I'd been tossing wet washcloths, baby-food-saturated baby bibs, etc., onto the clean clothes.

The look in my eyes must have been presenting an Idiot Award, because Paul started trying to do that thing guys do when they get in trouble for being idiots: he said in an injured voice that next time he wouldn't try to save the laundry, but would just leave it on the bed where the children could throw it all over the room. His tone was of someone who had tried and tried to do right, but had been thwarted by scoffers and ingrates and nitpickers and control freaks at every turn, until now he was ready to lie down and give up this heavy burden of unappreciated righteousness.

I explained as if to a slow child that the issue here was not that he shouldn't keep the laundry safe, but that he shouldn't be an IDIOT (*pause to raise eyebrows for emphasis*) by putting it "for safety" (*eyebrows*) in the dirty laundry pile, where it was in fact LESS SAFE than on the floor. And happily, the pants he wanted for the next day were right on top, under two wet washcloths and a peached baby bib, so I could demonstrate with a visual aid---so helpful for slow learners---that this was really more HIS problem than MINE.

Idiot. Makes me feel a whole lot less guilty about the whole David Boreanaz thing.

61 comments:

the new girl said...

HA HA HA!!

I love the putting down the burden of unappreciated righteousness.

That is SUCH a good description of that phenomenon.

I get it too, 'Well, I'll just stop telling you things then.' Yeah. Go ahead. That should work really, really well.

Eediot.

tulipmom said...

"so I could demonstrate with a visual aid---so helpful for slow learners---that this was really more HIS problem than MINE."

ALWAYS good to use a visual aid. Why haven't I thought of doing that with D.?? I just finished emailing him about all the idiot things that happened this morning that need to STOP.

Thia said...

All I will say is that I feel your pain.

AndreAnna said...

Mmmmmmmm...Agent Sealy Booth makes my hinterlands tingle.

How about putting dirty dishes in the top rack of the dishwasher when the clean bottom rack hasn't been emptied because I had to stop midway and pry my toddler's hands from around the cat's neck?

Anonymous said...

At least he was at YOUR house messing up YOUR laundry playing with YOUR kids and not some other woman's house or her laundry or kids.

Mommy Daisy said...

Ha, ha. Isn't it funny how it's usually the smallest things that turn into the biggest problems. My biggest pet peeves are things like "Why can't you just put some clean dishes away before you cook?". Instead he opts to cook right beside where I have CLEAN dishes in the drying rack, therefore splattering things on them to make them dirty. Ugh. And that's just one thing. But I can't complain too much, because last night he put those dishes away (most of them - what's the point in leaving 2 things sit there?) before he cooked dinner. And the fact that he cooks dinner usually makes up for it all when it comes to dishes. Sorry, guess I got a little distracted.

Shannon said...

ooohhhhh, MEN!

d e v a n said...

heee
I love that his pants were right on top.

Kelsey said...

So I guess he didn't wear the peached pants to work?

Why are men so oblivious sometimes?

Marie Green said...

They can be taught... after lots of *eyebrows* and "visual examples"... there is hope. They will learn. Ladies, we must believe this, or we will live a futile existance.

Do not give up hope! Have faith! That lightbulb moment is JUST AROUND the corner!

Emily said...

Ugh, what is with guys? My husband spilled Fruity Pebbles on the floor a couple of weeks ago and swept them UNDER THE RUG because he had to go. He was going to "get them cleaned up when he got home."

I go to the kitchen and hear crunching as I step across the rug. . . sure enough, it was like the rainbow exploded under there. The dog was excited though.

Jen said...

well, if it makes you feel any better, my female partner does the same thing - sort of.

we always have a basket or three of clean laundry (waiting to be carried the 10 inches or so to the drawer) in our room. i don't know how many times i've caught her putting her worn-once jeans right. on. top. of the clean laundry!

like, i get that there are variances of dirty and we all wear our jeans more than once BUT that doesn't mean i want the only-partially-dirty clothes near my clean. white. shirts.

this makes sense to me - why doesn't she get that?

anyway - girls do it too. :)

Jen said...

I'm with the "anonymous" poster....quit griping and be thankful you have a husband who is playing with your kids and TRYING to do the right thing with the laundry. I'm sure it's difficult for him to come home from a long day and then get railed on for assuming that the wadded up clothes in the basket are clean.
Give the dude a break..

Tessie said...

TOO BAD about the pants. I think everything in that basket would be dead to me until he decided to redo the load himself.

LoriD said...

John C. McGinly, huh? Interesting.

On the laundry thing. Yeah, it's annoying. I have a basket for laundry that gets taken to the laundry room every night. My husband's stuff is rarely in the basket, because he prefers to pile it up between his closet and his chest of drawers (about 8 feet away from the basket). Then he gets a little pissy when his stuff isn't clean. I do the eyebrow thing a lot while explaining where he has gone wrong.

bananafana said...

we have a second carpet made of mens socks and there are pants all over our house. I'm just trying to figure out what a "laundry basket" is . . .
my husband can grasp the complex things but these simple ones send us to the edge of despair in our house . . .
and seriously - why are there khaki pants in my breakfast room? I've never seen anyone undress in there but there are always pants . . . someone must be having an affair

Julie said...

Ha! The husband and I have had our share of "Is this pair of pants laying across the hamper dirty? Or did you put them there to wear again tomorrow? This shirt...the one laying here on the back of the dining room chair...clean or dirty?" Makes me crazy!

Barb said...

You and I are practically the same person married to the same husband! That is TOTALLY something John would do! Right down to the "putting it away for safety" and the injured tone. AND I am in LOVE with David Boreanaz... no, really, we're soul mates.

Linda said...

David Boreanaz IS my boyfriend from way back Buffy Season 1. And then when I saw him on some talk show and he was asked to mispronounce his name 5 different ways and he rattled them off started with "Boring Ass" . . . well, I am his forever.

So back off.

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure there is a safe place to put laundry, but I can't quite remember what it's called. I think it rhymes with "lesser moors," maybe?

Magnolia said...

Gah! mine does shit like that too, or gives me this look like I asked him to climb mount everest when I ask him to -fold- the clean laundry sitting right next to him while I go make dinner.

He's also the idiot that the other night as I'm getting better from this -horrible- stomach virus who began to tell my friends about how many times I was in the bathroom over the weekend and what sounds-smells had occurred.

I swear to god if I had a gun or a blow dart...POW.

Linda said...

No, Swistle, you have NO RIGHT TO COMPLAIN. You must be always meek and always loving and always just so DAMN GRATEFUL that you even have a man at all.

Swistle said...

Anonymous and Anonymous Jen- OMG, are you serious? I'm supposed to be fine with him taking the work I did and ruining it, just because he's not having an affair? So, if he DOES have an affair, should I be fine with it because at least he's not murdering me? That is a crazy way to live. The way Paul and I live, we assume both of us are human beings who deserve respect for the work we do. I don't take the reports he does at work and put them through the shredder and then say, "At least I'm not having an affair." And he doesn't take the dishes I wash and dip them in the toilet. That's our deal.

Shelly Overlook said...

Why, yes, David Boreanz is my boyfriend, thank you for noticing. I had the greatest sex dreams about him while I was pregnant. Sigh. Those were the days.

Saly said...

Oh dear, I have so been there……only it’s with dishes. And leaving them out on the kitchen table because he doesn’t want to put them away in the wrong spot. You’re right, having them left out is much better. Don’t make a decision or look in the cupboards or anything. Then he acts like I should be grateful he did the dishes at all. GAAAH!

squandra said...

Nope. No way. You are absolutely not LUCKY that your husband is not HAVING AN AFFAIR. That is what we call TO BE EXPECTED, as I know you and Paul are both more than aware.

Swistle said...

Anonymous Jen- Another thought occurs to me, as I'm redoing the laundry I already did. Did you say "after a long day" to refer to my HUSBAND'S day? Paul does not work in the mines, he has a quiet office job where he is frequently praised for his intelligence and insight. You may feel differently, but he and I agree that a day with five children is harder than a day sitting in an office chair.

I also certainly hope that you and the other anonymous commenter didn't mean to imply that I should be grateful that he plays with his own children? Surely not. Surely you didn't mean that after his long day, he should be able to come home, sit down with his pipe and slippers in peace while I keep the children from bothering him, and be served dinner? And then that he should be allowed to take a basket of clean laundry (which he knew was clean, you skimmer) and dump it into the dirty laundry basket without me commenting on it? You are pissing me off, girl!

Heather said...

I would call that a "Duhsband."

LoriD said...

"which he knew was clean, you skimmer" - LOL!

Niki said...

I am giggling about how thankful you should be that you had to redo that laundry. Wow Swistle, you are such a demanding wench!

Makes me thankful that I don't have one of those husband things anymore. I do have a BF that is OCD when it comes to cleaning. This is NOT a bad thing. He likes cleaning the shower and changing sheets. Plus he is cute as heck!

desperate housewife said...

Ahhh! Jim does that injured tone of voice really well, too. Accompanied by The Sigh.

desperate housewife said...

Also, just read the comments and had to add: WHO ARE you anonymous people who read just to criticize? It's like America's version of the Morality Police in Saudia Arabia! Running around in your cloak of anonymity and spray-painting the legs, so to speak, of anyone whose feelings are less than serene and submissive. Go crawl back under your rocks.

Jen said...

*Love* the *eyebrow thing*!!

the new girl said...

OMG, Swistle!
I was totally going to re-comment and have your back to the two anons who are LOST in the fifties 'you should be happy you gotta man' but girrrrrrrl, you don't NEED NO BACK UP.

Whew.

Sing it, sister. SING IT.

Jody said...

Never mind the laundry, I need to know which Boreanaz we're talking about here: vampire or FBI?

You and Linda are BOTH going to have to fight me for vampire Boreanaz. Just don't remind me about the Cordy affair, because that still gives me a headache.

Swistle said...

Jody- Vampire, definitely vampire. But I'm on the last season of Angel, and I think I'd better move right on to Bones after that. I agree: the Cordelia thing made no sense. Actually, it also didn't make sense that they changed her from a Harmony-type (frank, funny, kind of dumb) to a housemother type (maternal and pure of spirit), and I didn't see any chemistry with her and Angel anyway. They just wrote that because they didn't know what to do with Cordelia and so they thought, "I know! How about another Impossible Relationship?"

MH said...

So, do visual aids help? I'm trying anything to get him to understand what someone who IS an idiot would do and what someone who is NOT an idiot would do. So far, we're still at the idiot stage.
Example: Does a bunch of stupid shit that makes my morning harder and then happily leaves for work before I've noticed. Calls nonchalantly about 3 hours later about something insignificant only to find out that I've discovered all of these dirty deeds. Acts shocked that I haven't cooled off about it yet and goes into hopelessly righteous martyr state and vows to never again be of "help" to anyone.
I will try the Visual Aid thing. Audio seems to do no good for him.

Chez Bacon said...

Oh my lord, Anons. Swistle, I was so going to reply to their comments too, but you hit it out of the park.
Don't you love the discrepancies between how we treat mothers and fathers, i.e. all my husband has to do is return home at the end of the day and spend a few minutes playing with the kids and he is automatically SUPERDAD. According to people like my mother, I must ignore every stupid thing he does EVER and instead fall all over him with praise for the heroic act of helping take care of HIS OWN CHILDREN.
Thanks to your commenters I now know I should also be offering up daily prayers of gratitude that he's not cheating on me, too. GOOD LORD.

MH said...

By the way, I think it was you I stole the "Are you new here" remark from. Did NAAAHT go over so well. Made me feel better though.

Opus #6 said...

Just goes to show you. Folding is 80% of doing laundry. Unless he is willing to fold and put away, he should leave it in the dryer where it is safe.

Amy said...

This sounds familiar. Did the thought of folding the clean laundry for you ever enter his mind? It would never enter the mind of my husband.

Woman with a Hatchet said...

Ha!

I would totally make him do his own laundry to try and make up for it.

For a WEEK.

Woman with a Hatchet said...

Oh and while I know one should not engage the troll-like, as for being "grateful"....

This is th4e 21st century. I expect men to be my peers. Which means they can do their own laundry, cook, clean, change diapers, pay bills, etc.

Gasp!

Almost like they're actual human beings.

Or are we still under the impression that the sex that was smart enough to figure out how to build a rocketship and send it to the moon cannot somehow comprehend the function and use of a washing machine. Also, incidentally, built by a man.

Kristi said...

This whole thing is just the funniest damn thing I've read all week. Thank you once again Swistle, for so eloquently putting into words the extend of the idiocy I live with on a daily basis. By the time my Duhsband (thank you Heather) and I grow old together I figure I should be about as patient as Jesus - if he makes it that long.

squandra said...

Just coming back to say "you skimmer" -- HA! Because man, you DON'T need the back up. Out of the park, indeed.

grandbeach said...

Greatest. Post. Ever. Okay, maybe not but it definitely made me laugh like crazy (in that "I so know what you mean" kind of way).

Also, kudos on your response to the two anon's. I was pretty outraged to read their "thoughts" but am loving your response.

Anonymous said...

Hey, the second of the anons, I would like to clarify that my point was not that Swistle should be putting away the laundry, but that Wonderspouse (he plays with his children! pinch me!) might could harness his superpowers to do a little folding and stashing.

Even if he is tired from his desk job with the grownups.

Jen said...

My point was NOT that "you're lucky" that your husbad's not having an affair or that I'm kicking back to the 50's with whose responsibility is what...I was simply reminding you that there are a lot of readers out here who have lost a husband and would GIVE ANYTHING to have him back. And bitching about putting a washcloth on your wadded up clean laundry seems to be a ridiculous gripe in the scheme of things. But, in reading the comments, sounds like your readers are just as bitter about their spouses. SAD!

Anonymous said...

And there are parents who have lost children who would give anything to have them back, but that doesn't mean we have to cherish the whining we get from ours.

I have friends whose parents have died. Other friends are driven to distraction by their parents' putdowns, undermining, etc. I'll be sure to tell them to count their blessings next time.


Little Miss Happy All the Time

Cherry said...

Looks like the anon Jen still hasnt actually read the post and is as confused as ever....While reading their horrid comments all I was thinking was that he could have a)folded the laundry before letting the kids play b) moved it to a SAFER place c)put it in the hamper, but told you about it or d) moved it back onto the bed when the kids were finished. Even a combination of any of these would have worked.

This clearly has nothing to do with appreciating your man and it was an absurd connection for both of these people to make in the first place.

Kristin.... said...

First, were you dreaming about David Boreanaz as Angel, or as Agent Seeley Booth (I love BOTH!)
Second, I am right there with you. I can manage to get the laundry done (see blog name, much laundry with 4 children under 7), but NEVER, EVER, EVER put away...whoops, if I had read other comments I'd KNOW which David Boreanaz.....you will LOVE Bones....

anyway, love your blog.

Swistle said...

Anonymous Jen- You have opened my eyes to how horrible it is to make fun of my husband for comic effect. Next time I will kill him, so that I will have something real to complain about. And then you will remind me that I shouldn't complain about that, either, since other people have lost their entire families. And then I will have nothing to write about at all, because I will always have to think that I can't write about MY life, because OTHER people are living DIFFERENT lives.

Woman with a Hatchet said...

And it's Swistle for the win!

You just made me snort out loud. Fortunately no beverages or computer equipment was harmed in any way by this action.

desperate housewife said...

Ahh! Swistle, you're lucky I don't know you "in real life" or I'd probably be that annoying friend following you around with worshipful eyes, like a puppy. Your wit! It is quick and stinging!

Banana said...

P.S. there is a baby naming post going on here: http://whoneedssleep-bananafana.blogspot.com/

Erica said...

Dear Swistle,

I love you more than ever.

Love,
Erica

meanie said...

i hate it when mine leaves things inside out in the dirty laundry. it's such a pain to right it when in a hurry (i'm pretty much always in a hurry). i've taken to leaving it inside out when i fold it to make my point. i'm pretty sure he's oblivious though.

Misguided Mommy said...

no time to read all the comments, but ummm am i the only one who thinks that instead of MOVING the basket he should have FOLDED the clothes?

jen said...

This post was hilariously true, but the resulting comment fest, that makes me tingle!

Anonymous said...

This is what blogging is all about. Swistle, you are my hero. Those annonymous idiots need some dick.

Love,
Kim

Saly said...

I can't believe I missed all of these comments before. As always, I think you're the greatest.


XXX OOO